The Crisis: Thousands of Central American children want to come to the United States.
Why is that a crisis?
Because they are criminals, violent gang-bangers, rapists, murders, and possibly rappers.
Oh really?
Yeah, really.
What evidence do you have?
Criminal aliens commit thousands of murders!
Who told you that?
Rick Perry, and he’s governor of Texas, so he’d know.
You know that Politifact rated that boner as “pants on fire,” right?
Your pants are on fire.
The Crisis: Thousands of Central American children want to come to the United States—and they might eventually become voters.
Why is that a crisis?
Because it would be the End of America.
You mean the end of the United States?
Si. (Get it? Get it?)
Actually, there’s an accent on it: Sí. See?
Why do you hate America?
You mean the United States?
Don’t give me that Central America or South America bullcrap. We all know there is only one America.
Who is this “we”?
Listen, pal, we can’t have all these Mexicans coming into our country, filling up our public schools, using up our generous social services, and bringing their filthy criminal culture with them. It will undermine and corrupt our values, our way of life.
In other words, the GOP will have to work even harder at gerrymandering and suppressing the vote in order to win elections?
Why must you liberals lie all the time? If it wasn’t for illegal aliens and ACORN stuffing the ballot boxes…
Then you might have to come up with some other nonsensical explanation for why Mitt Romney lost? Come on, isn’t all this just a ruse to get the bigots out to vote in the mid-term elections? And for Republican incumbents to defend their asshole card against right-wing challengers?
Who are you calling a bigot? Typical Democrat: playing the race card. That makes you the racist, you know.
Do I hear a dog whistle? Also, we would prefer that you use the term “undocumented immigrant.”
We would prefer that you shut up.
The Crisis: Thousands of Central American children want to come to the United States—because of global warming.
Why is that a crisis?
It’s a hoax is what it is.
No, actually a rust fungus called Roya is decimating coffee crops all across Central America, and scientists think that it is due to global warming. It’s pushing families off farms and into the violent and jobless cities, and some of their children are now coming to the United States.
Sounds like the old “hockey stick” mumbo jumbo again. If those scientists would actually show some data going back more than a few hundred years—
How about hundreds of thousands of years?
—then maybe I’d …
You’d what? They already have. Or did they only need to go back six thousand years for you?
Listen, monkey boy…
What I don’t understand is: If you hate immigrants so much and want them to stop coming here, why not aim for the heart of the problem?
Collectivist! Statist! Besides, we already are: Rick Perry sent 1,000 Texas National Guardsmen to the border.
Mission accomplished.
The Border: The stretch of land separating the United States and Mexico, formerly located in Mexico. Discuss.
Jeremiah Goulka is a writer based in Washington, DC. Before he couldn’t stand it any longer, he worked at two federal agencies and a prominent think-tank. You can follow him on Twitter @jeremiahgoulka or contact him through his website www.jeremiahgoulka.com.
