Things You Should Be Doing Instead of Reading Kim Kardashian Articles

  1. Get an enema — i.e., clean out your shit.

2. Petition the Pulitzer Board for the Johnson, Wallace, Russell debacle.

3. Read a book. About something important.

4. Go watch her video. No words needed.

5. Get your nails done. So you can be just like Kim Kardashian.

6. Study. Something besides nail painting and parties and sex videos. Yes, that means you.

7. Learn the details and features of getting an enema — i.e., “An enema is the procedure of introducing liquids into the rectum and colon via the anus” (Wikipedia). Get the enema. Really. You’ll feel better. You can watch a Kim Kardashian video as you get the enema. It will make the enema feel better.

8. Take your kids or someone’s kids to the park and talk about Kim Kardashian’s humanitarian and environmental efforts. ?

9. Go to the gym and work out so you can have a body like Kim Kardashian. Or go to the plastic surgeon and have your breasts and chest and buttocks lifted so you can have a body like Kim Kardashian. Then you will be famous. And everyone will love you. And you can watch Kim Kardashian videos and love yourself, too.

10. Get your teeth and gums scraped by your dentist. If you have a good dentist, he or she will have a video player and special mirror glasses so you can watch a video of Kim Kardashian. It will make your teeth scraping feel better. And you’ll be able to look in the mirror and smile big like Kim Kardashian.

 

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The Editors
The Doctor T. J. Eckleburg Review was founded in 2010 as an online and print literary and arts journal. We take our title from F. Scott Fitzgerald’s The Great Gatsby and include the full archives of our predecessor Moon Milk Review. Our aesthetic is eclectic, literary mainstream to experimental. We appreciate fusion forms including magical realist, surrealist, meta- realist and realist works with an offbeat spin. We value character-focused storytelling and language and welcome both edge and mainstream with punch aesthetics. We like humor that explores the gritty realities of world and human experiences. Our issues include original content from both emerging and established writers, poets, artists and comedians such as authors, Rick Moody, Cris Mazza, Steve Almond, Stephen Dixon, poets, Moira Egan and David Wagoner and actor/comedian, Zach Galifianakis.

One Reply to “Things You Should Be Doing Instead of Reading Kim Kardashian Articles”

  1. I like this piece a lot, I think because I just recently read a critic of “Honey Boo Boo,” another reality show about people who are more ridiculous, less attractive, and worse off than you and I, on Thought Catalogue. In that critic the writer explained, among other points, that the appeal of “Honey Boo Boo,” and shows like it, was that it provided it’s viewers a safe outlet for comparison. No matter how bad your life is, at least you are not: fill in the blank (over weight, poor, redneck, uneducated).

    With reality shows featuring people like the Kardashians–people who are more beautiful, more famous, and richer than most viewers will ever be–the show provides the viewer an object to both envy and pity. We envy their perfect bodies and possessions, but pity them for their lack of connection with reality and ignorance. This piece really shows the viewers struggle in the best way, with humor. The writer suggests that the reader could do something really unpleasant instead of reading about Kim Kardashian; or work to be like her, but only in the way that we envy her; or watch her sex tape and indulge ourselves; or essentially ignore her and get outside (basically, what we should all do).

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